Rainy days are for writing.

Well. There was a lovely storm today. On Good Friday too. What a coincidence.
A tree fell, outdoor chairs flew, and Christians went to church.
I realise I haven't made a coherent post in a long time. I shall attempt to do so now.

Right. Where do I start?

Ah yes.

I don't think many people know about my problem with religion. Christianity to be precise. Although by posting it here I'm effectively broadcasting the problem in BIG CAPITAL LETTERS. Bright red letters I might add.

Anyway, Tiff, Ele and Wynne, I'm extremely thankful for your understanding. Tiffany for being "besties" with me even though you're a staunch Christian, Ele for talking with me that day, and Wynne for.. being Wynne and griping.

My parents are wonderful people. I love them, I really, really do. Except when Christianity is concerned. I know it must be.. worrying for their eldest child to not follow their faith, but I just wish they would accept that I need some breathing space to think because religion is an extremely touchy issue and stop bloody pushing me and I am writing in run-on sentences because, God dammit, because it's so fucking frustrating.

This obviously isn't working. I need to rant and vent.

[rant]

Stop fucking pushing me to go to church. Stop making me listen to sermons on those bloody Alpha tapes by Nicky whatsisface. Stop preaching to me about healing and God, and how I need God in my life. Stop telling other people, like koh poh cheng and my fucking MATH TUTOR that I am not embracing your God.

There. I said it. YOUR GOD. Not mine.

As for my life, it's MINE. If I choose not to follow the Christian faith then it's MY GODDAMN DECISION NOT TO. Stop trying to make me join it. You. Are merely making it worse.

Bloody HELL. Stop USING that BLOODY scenario when it's the end of the world and we're all in heaven except for me because I'll be burning in hell for not following your God. Stop telling me that you'd be extremely sad that I'm in hell burning because FUCK IT. You WON'T BE. You'll be in Heaven, singing praises to your God wearing perfect forms and being happy. You CAN'T feel sad or sorry for me because "He"'s gonna dry your tears and calm your fears and all that other bullshit.

That's what it is to me. Bullshit. Nothing more

[/rant] I think.

I don't think I had such a big problem two or three years ago. I still went to church, sang the songs, prayed, and listened to sermons. Maybe because the Primary School I went to was Anglican with the hymns, weekly assembly-sermons and the whole shebang.

During worship, or the part where everybody sings, my church projects the lyrics up on screen so that we all can sing along.

Then one day, during worship, I read, properly read, the lyrics to the song that the congregation(and consequently, I) was singing.

And I realised that deep down, I didn't believe it. I didn't love Christ, I wouldn't die in the name of Christianity, I couldn't live my life the way the faith wanted me to. So I stopped singing.

I couldn't delude myself into continuing to do so because.. that would be betraying who I really was.

It all went downhill after that.